Time

A few weeks ago I pulled my craft box from under my bed.  In the box was 4 calendars from past years.  I started to flip through one of the calendars from my last year of college.  My roommate had written on many of the days--test dates, portfolio due date, family dates, etc.  In my handwriting were babysitting dates for various families, volunteering here or there...almost everything written by me was a day that I was doing something for someone else.  Surprisingly, it kind of depressed me.   I could hear Stony asking, "When will you have time for me?"  This is a conversation we have had more than any other conversation since we started dating.  My answer is almost always the same, "I DO have time for you.  I love you."  But it hit me right in the face that night; do my actions show him that?  Then I wondered, out of all these dates where I spent hours with and doing things for other people, who remembers that?  Who remembers the Thursday I normally would have spent with my sister to instead watch kids at a community event where only 2 kids showed up.  I remember that day.  I remember being upset that night.  Who remembers the Saturday I gave up with Stony so that I could watch some one's kids from church?  Looking at the calendar, I remember that day.  Several phone calls to Stony telling him I thought I would be there in a couple hours...well they are not home yet...it shouldn't be much longer.  Getting to his house after dinner...I remember that day; a day that disappointed us both.

I flipped through another calendar and the things written on those dates were much the same as the previous calendar.

The important thing is not that those people remember every day I ever helped them.  I know the days that I spent doing those things, those days were a blessing to those people.  And most of the time, they were a blessing to me as well.  That night though, it really got me thinking about where I spend my time.  Who am I investing in?  Who am I loving with my time and my actions?

I have a hard time telling people no.  That is where Stony's frustration comes in.  And I have a lot of people I want to help and a lot of people that I just want to be with.  But I can't be or do things for everyone.  Unfortunately, that is just a fact of life.

I've spent years trying to figure out a balance.  How to balance my time with my husband, my family, my friends and still have time for myself (I've discovered I need that to rejuvenate).  I think I am getting better...some days.  So now after flipping through my calendars and pondering this for days, I think I have a little direction.  Rather than asking how I spent my time, I should be asking; Who did I invest in? (making sure it was not selfish or obligatory)  Was I being obedient to Christ?  Was I honoring my husband?