Kids

So I've wrestled a lot with the thought of having kids. I almost didn't write this because it has been such an emotional wrestling match. But I wrote it out, then prayed about it for almost a month. In that month, God has done some pretty cool things and so I feel like, even though this is a very personal blog, I can post it because I know the people reading this know and love me. And because just this morning, I was able to pray again, with complete peace, that if I don’t have kids, I am really okay with that. I am okay with using my nurturing “mother” side to love on other people’s kids.

So, here is the blog I wrote a month ago…

I've wrestled a lot with the thought of having kids.  Some days I'm not sure I'm a kid person...I mean, a kid person as far as having them in my own home...  I love kids. I love to teach and I love to be around kids. It really doesn't matter whose kids they are, they make me smile, think less of myself, more of the world we live in, more of making it perfect for them. Kids make me lose the heaviness of being an adult...

Before Stony and I got married we both prayed separately about what our future looked like in terms of kids. And seperately we came to the conclusion that God's timing is perfect and we are not to mess with it at all! So we decided that we would trust Him completely for the timing of our kids. Which is a little scary, but very very freeing and awesome.

However, we are still human so we talked about what our ideal timeline would be for us. Again, we both agreed that after about 2 1/2 years we would like to be pregnant. BUT that it was up to Him. I guess I kind of thought that since Stony and I agreed on the timeline, God would also. We have been married for 2 1/2 years and there are no babies in my tummy. Which, most days, I am totally okay with. Back to the idea that I may not really be a kid person...I may not be cut out to be a mom...and in truth, some days I am not sure I really want to be a mom.

I am spoiled. I like my semi-clean house. I like sleeping till 11. I like going home with only Stony and not sharing him. I like not having to hide my fruit snacks and gummi vitamins. I like only doing 1-2 loads of dishes a week. I like having cereal for dinner.

I watch so many of my friends being awesome moms and I think, "I can't do that." My most constant thought is, "How do I be a good mom? How can I teach my kids what they need to know?" And that thought came loud and clear this weekend when Kizzy was here.

She was brushing her teeth and standing on the toilet so she could spit into the sink. I was standing next to her making sure she got all of them clean. Then as she spit, she opened her mouth before she was all the way over the sink and some of her spray went on the mirror. At that moment, I thought, "Uhhh, how could I be a mom? Not only would I have to teach my kids about life and love and hurts and God...I have to teach them how to spit and brush their teeth. How do I do that? How do I say, "Spit in the sink, not on the mirror." "Clear your plate" "Don't antagonize the dogs" "No you can't stay up and watch a movie with us, its bedtime" (all things I say to Kizzy.) And should I even have to say that stuff? Why can't that stuff be natural and I can just worry about the heart.

So Sunday night I decided for sure, that I don't want kids.

And then today I was thinking and praying about it. Thinking, that was a good decision because then there won't be more kids in this world to mess up. There won't be more kids in this world to get hurt by friends. There won't be more kids in this world to worry about the demise of the human race. And then I thought...maybe I am being irresponsible. Maybe that is exactly why I should have kids. So they can befriend the messed up kids and help heal the hurt kids and worry about our demise and maybe do something about it... Maybe me not wanting to be a mom is purely selfish...probably the most selfish thing I could think.

So now here I am, thinking, maybe I do want to be a mom. Then in 5 minutes I will change my mind. Times like this make me SUPER glad that having kids is totally and completely up to HIM! If He wants us to have kids we will. If not, well then I will enjoy all the kids around me. Maybe my kids are the ones other people bear, and they have to teach them the every day things, and I get to touch their hearts. Maybe everyone else's kids are my kids too.