Where's My Blessing?!

*Let me preface this by saying that I am being real here.  I thought about not posting this because it shows just how selfish I am.  But I'm being real.  And in being real, I'm learning.*

As you know, our house has been less than a comfortable, quiet, sanctuary for me.  I've struggled with this for a while.  When we moved in, we prayed through our house and continue to pray that with it we can be a blessing to people.  So what happens when that blessing is for others and doesn't seem to be for me?  Well, I get cranky!  Stony and I have talked about this.  About my need and desire for solitude.  About my grumpiness over a completely unorganized pantry.  About my annoyance at the use of bath clothes in the kitchen instead of the kitchen wash cloths.  About all the paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent...(you get the idea) being used up.  The dog bowls being on the counter instead of the floor because Jenny can't discipline Deacon and make him understand "no you can't dump all the dog food in the water bowl" so our dogs have to suffer.  And all that stuff just gets multiplied when more people move in.  (Right now there are 7 of us in a 1100 sq ft house--if it were 7 of my siblings and family, the story might be different, but it isn't.)  All that stuff is selfish, but it is also a woman wanting her house to be her house. 

Stony and I had a great talk while we drove 13 hours on Sunday and I thought, I can do this, I can have a good attitude and be grateful for them and all that jazz.  But as soon as we pulled up to our house I had to start praying because I was immediately pissed.  By the time I got to the door I was fine.  Then I walked in the bathroom, where there were no rugs and I was mad again.  Then I showered and my shampoo was almost gone and so I prayed again and by the end of the shower I was fine.  Then I went to wash my hands in the kitchen and there were no towels or rags or paper towels and I was mad again.  So I went to bed and prayed and cried and told God all the things I don't want.  I don't want to be nice.  I don't want to be patient.  I don't want to be quiet at night when we are watching movies.  I don't want to share all my stuff.  I don't want someone on my couch.  I don't want to be kind.  I don't want to share anything. I don't want, I don't want, I don't want!  I want to be able to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom in a towel.  I want to be able to sit in peace on my couch and watch my show.  I want to eat macaroni and not share and leave the pot in the sink for 2 days and not feel guilty.  I want to buy a bag of gummie bears and not have to hide it so that I can have it for more than 15 minutes.  I want, I want I want!

But it is all about me.  And I guess that is not what it should really be about.  It is about listening to God.  It is about being a blessing.  It is about being like Jesus.  It is about sharing my house and my stuff because it is all God's anyway and He shared the most precious thing He had.  And it is about sacrifice, just like Jesus. 

Sometimes it is hard to accept, but maybe the blessing in all of this for me is that I learn to depend more on my Heavenly Father and praise Him instead of following my selfish heart and gripe.  I suppose this is me getting trained for Heaven. ...  And that is a blessing.