Tough

Stony and I are having a rough night.  We got a letter in the mail today from the Child and Family Investigator.  After reading her 6 page report, her final recommendation is that we begin a transition plan so that Deacon can go live full time, permanently with Jon. 

This hit us like a ton of bricks.  Initially I started crying.  I've been crying on and off for the last 6 hours.  I have moments where I just have to keep repeating out loud, "God I trust you.  God, I trust you."  And then I have moments where I whisper obscenities and wonder how could someone think that a man who has not been involved, is not biologically related, who has a history of abuse and prescription dependence, be the best option for a boy who has lived with us for 4 years?  How is that even possible?  Then I think, this isn't over.  The CFI's recommendation is not final, the judge might have a different determination.  Then I think, maybe this is what is best.  And then I think, they (Jon and Jasmine) are going to have a tough time if this actually goes through because Deacon is going to like this for about a week and then he is going to be a little shit to them.  And then selfishly, I think"good, serves 'em right."  I wonder how this is going to affect David, because he has actually been putting in some effort lately whereas Jon has not.  I wonder how this is going to affect Steven, because he is going to lose his brother if this happens.  I wonder how this is going to affect Kizzy.  I wonder, ultimately, how this is going to affect Deacon.

This all just gives me more evidence that the system is flawed and that people with money who believe more in laws than common sense, make bad decisions.  This world is crumbling and decaying and since we live here, we feel the effects of it...and there is nothing we can do to stop it. 

Seriously, just because on paper we are not the child's parents, we are not the best option??!?!?!  Seriously! 

I'm praying so hard and I am asking so many others to pray too...that whatever is BEST for Deacon is what happens.  I need to pray for our family too...that what is best for us happens.  (I just hope they are the same thing.)

I am having such a hard night!!  I am so grateful that our next court date is only 3 days away.  Ugh.  This whole thing just sucks!!!